Everything for Good

As I began to write this new post, I realized the last time I wrote was this same week a year ago... how crazy. A lot has happened this year and through this post I want you to be able to walk our journey with us. My goal is to shed a light on the darkness of infertility, share hope that we found, and continue to "seek peace and pursue it".

In May of last year, we sold our home to save money for the upcoming medical procedures. We were blessed to be able to live with Tyler's parents and my parents for a year. When we moved, I was still getting hormone treatments for cancer of the uterine lining - endometrial adenocarcinoma. I needed to have two more clean biopsies, and then we would be able to start fertility treatments.

August and then November (2017) came and I had my last two biopsies in the office. Praise God, both were clear.

So we embarked on our much anticipated new journey - IVF (in vitro fertilization).

In November, once I was cleared to begin IVF, the first step was the egg retrieval. This involved being put to sleep while the doctor went in and retrieved my eggs. Tyler would do his part that day as well. This was scheduled the Friday after Thanksgiving. I was taking hormone shots for the week up to the retrieval. We decided to go surprise my family in Gatlinburg for Thanksgiving the day before. Little did we know, 21 out of 34 people there would get a stomach bug! So, the night before the retrieval, Tyler starts getting sick... about every 30 minutes. As I lay there trying to sleep, knowing my egg retrieval was in the morning, I prayed and prayed he would be better and I would not get this bug. We made it to the hospital with just one stop for Tyler to get sick again. I never got it! Thank God. We were able to retrieve my eggs and move forward.

A lot of women that go through this do a fresh transfer (which basically means you transfer the embryos shortly after the retrieval.) Due to my estrogen levels rising so much with the medications, we were not able to do a fresh transfer. They feared I might be hyperstimulated if my levels became too high. This meant that we had to freeze the embryos and wait for my body to regulate. A few days after the retrieval, the lab called us and said we had 8 healthy embryos that were ready to be frozen. We were thrilled about this! Now, we just had to get my body ready to carry them.

So, in my head, I wanted all of this done by Christmas. In the world of infertility, Christmas can be one of the hardest times. From everyone around celebrating with children to the Christmas story where a virgin becomes pregnant, it can be a tough. However, the story of the miracle of Jesus kept us praying and praying for a miracle to be done in our lives. We had a lot of appointments in December and basically found out my body was still not ready.

Knowing my brother, his wife and two girls were going to be leaving for Ireland in January, we spent some quality time with them at my parent's cabin. 

          

While at the cabin, I got phone calls from my IVF nurse about our next steps. They wanted to perform a hydrosonogram to see if I had any scar tissue from the previous biopsies. To say I wasn't thrilled would be an understatement. I didn't want another procedure and I didn't want to wait another month. To have 8 embryos ready to go and not be able to just transfer one them was pretty upsetting... but it had to be done. Basically the lining of my uterus was way too thin. The cancer was previously in the lining. An embryo needs a healthy, thick lining in order to attach. The things you find yourself praying for! We did the hyrdrosonogram in January and it showed nothing, meaning I didn't have any scar tissue in the way.

We tried different medicines in January to get my lining thicker and nothing would work. We would try a new medication then go in daily for ultrasounds. This was tiring for the both of us- financially, emotionally, and physically.

In February, they tried another type of medicine and it started looking better. We were going to transfer in a week around February 21st. We went in for an ultrasound to check and my lining looked "extremely odd." The lining was thicker but my doctor came in and said she was "very concerned" and that she wanted to show it to her team of doctors to try to figure out what it was showing. She suggested going in to do a surgery and take a biopsy. 

After talking, Tyler and I just weren't ready for a surgery. We decided to see if it would happen on my next cycle. So, we waited. We went in for many ultrasounds and we never saw the irregularities again. It started to look healthier so my doctor and nurse decided we should go ahead and try to transfer two embryos.

Transfer day was exciting. We were so ready for this miracle to happen. We were just... giddy, to say the least.

During transfer, I was awake. We were both in our scrubs and ready to go. Right before the procedure, Tyler got to see the embryos through a microscope. He watched as the embryos were dropped in through a catheter. The procedure itself was pretty special.

That evening, Tyler's parents brought us food because I was not supposed to do much of anything. Tyler ended up making a cake because I had mentioned wanting wedding cake on the way home. He even took some time off work so he could endure the waiting time with me. We watched lots of Netflix and did nothing but rest.

They told me I could take a pregnancy test at home on Easter. I did... and it was negative. The nurse told me that it could be a false negative and to still come in for the blood test. I went into the lab Monday morning, and they called with the results while I was at school that afternoon. The blood test was negative too. We were heartbroken.

During this time the song, "Weep with Me" by Rend Collective really grabbed both of our hearts. We listened to it continuously. This first verse and chorus really stuck out to us then.

"Weep with me

Lord will You weep with me?

I don't need answers, all I need

Is to know that You care for me

Hear my plea

Are You even listening?

Lord I will wrestle with Your heart

But I won't let You go

You know I believe

Help my unbelief

Yet I will praise You

Yet I will sing of Your name

Here in the shadows

Here I will offer my praise

What's true in the light

Is still true in the dark

You're good and You're kind

And You care for this heart

Lord I believe

You weep with me"

We went in a couple of days later to discuss next steps. The doctor was still concerned because of that one ultrasound I had that was alarming. I never had another ultrasound that was irregular so I just wasn't worried about it. After discussing with my fertility doctor and my oncologist, we decided to go ahead and have a surgery to just check.

So, my fertility doctor performed a hysteroscopy in April. The doctor said I had a lot of polyps but that they could just be from the estrogen. We had to wait for the results of the biopsy to come back before we could move forward.

I got the call right after work on Friday, April 13th. I knew something was wrong because the surgery had only been the day before. The fertility doctor called and told me that the polyps were cancerous. About 70% of the polyps had cancer. She let me know my oncologist was there to talk whenever I was ready. I called her immediately. I actually called her before anybody. I wanted more details. I honestly just kept saying, "I want it out, I want the cancer out." My oncologist has always been so calming to me. She always knows what to say and how to say it. She provides a plan and takes action. I have always loved that about her. She discussed that I needed to have a CT scan and a hysterectomy. During surgery she would do lymph node reading to make sure it hadn't spread anywhere else. I called Tyler and he drove straight to my work. We called my parents and his parents and told them the news. 

I had been dreaming of giving our parents news of a grandchild, and instead I had to tell them their daughter's cancer had reoccured. It was an extremely difficult phone call to make...

Monday, April 23rd I had a radical hysterectomy. After a week of waiting on results, we found out the cancer hadn't spread and that everything was removed. Just like that I was cancer-free again.

I ended up missing the last four weeks of school because of the surgery. My students made the sweetest cards. My students' parents, co-workers, and friends and family brought meals. We had so much love poured out on us. It was a difficult time, but full of encouragement.

We moved in our new house at the end of May and began a new chapter. We made the decision to donate our 6 frozen embryos that were left to anonymous couples that need them. We knew it needed to be done. After we signed the papers, I had an unexpected sadness. When I was discussing with a friend just last week, they asked if I mourned during that time. Looking back, that is exactly what I did. They were a part of Tyler and me. They will have our genes and look like us. But we realize now, we were called to do something else. Not something less, just something different than we expected.

Now, the next verse of the song, "Weep with Me" calls out to us...

"Part the seas

Lord make a way for me

Here in the midst of my lament

I have faith, yes I still believe

That You love me

Your plans are to prosper me

You're working everything for good

Even when I can't see"

We have always wanted to adopt, we were just planning on having biological children first. We believe God is in control and that He is good. To us, this isn't our "back-up plan." We feel that all along this has been His plan, the only plan.