Good news... right?

My first biopsy was last Tuesday. This one was luckily done under anesthesia. I haven’t been too sore or anything except for fun hormone surges.

I got the results today and they were good… right? The biopsy came back with very little adenocarcinoma left. There is still some hyperplasia but less than last time. She also said there is evidence of the hormone affecting my cells- which is great because that is what needs to happen.

And then we discussed the timeline… again.

My doctor now wants me to have four good, cancer-free biopsies until we can start IVF. So if everything goes as planned, we will try IVF a year from now. Since that process takes a while we are already starting to see the fertility specialists. If, at any point, the cancer grows or comes back, we will either start over or discuss a hysterectomy.

I know this was a good report and “good” news, which is why we were all confused that I was crying when she said all this. As much as the doctor, the nurse, and Tyler kept saying this is “good”, I just couldn’t bring myself to celebrate. This is not what we wanted.

We wanted to be pregnant a year ago when we started trying. We wanted to go through this treatment for a few months and start trying again. This is obviously not what is going to happen.

I wish I could say something cheery and uplifting. But sometimes life’s not. Sometimes you have to let yourself be upset to let go of your plans.

So right now, I’m going to be upset. Thankful, but upset. And that’s okay. Because I have a God who is with me during times of sorrow. I know He has a plan for me and Tyler even when it’s hard to believe it. So that is what I will cling to.

I will be upset, but not alone. And not without hope.